#MeToo doesn't always mean #You Too (Commentary)

I, like many other women, support the #MeToo movement. The magnitude of this crusade has effectively encouraged women to come forward and speak about their alleged abusers and the abuse, give the middle finger to the glass ceiling by setting the roof on fire and most importantly to me, bring awareness to the widespread sexual assault, misconduct and harassment against women in the workplace.

As a result, #MeToo has brought down many Goliaths in industries who have previously been untouchable and demonstrates that there is strength in numbers. This movement has given courage to countless women to have the difficult conversations, to speak up and speak out.

But just like any movement that gains momentum, there are counter-movements or hidden agendas by people who either want attention or are looking to discredit the movement. Sexual assault, misconduct and harassment on a large or small scale is still sexual assault, misconduct and harassment.

However, the counter movements are what concern me -Those who make accusations against another person that have no real credibility or have a motive behind coming forward. As an infidelity analyst, I am addressing women who have affairs with people in positions of power that ended, badly and you are angry, vindictive with an agenda. All because your feelings got hurt or had unreasonable expectations from someone you cheated with.

When I was in the military, I saw situations play out on both sides. I saw gross abuse of power by a man who was interested in a young lady that wasn't reciprocated. He was known for making unwanted advances, almost like a running joke. He would offer to take her out to dinner and she would respectfully decline. He began to make things very hard for her to the point, that she was afraid to be alone with him. Because it was a running joke on the base, we knew that making the accusation would only make things worse. So, we devised a plan that she would accept his invitations, but she would always be accompanied by another female. He invited her to dinner, she would go...with a chaperone. He called her into his office, she would go, initially alone, then another female would show up only moments later. He grew tired of her having a chaperone everywhere he invited her to (not to mention he had to pay for the chaperone as well, because we knew how to make him very uncomfortable when didn’t) that he decided to move on. When we saw who his next victim was, we warned them. Some listened, some did not. Those that didn't had hidden agendas.

Now on the flip side, there was another man in a position of power who was known to have multiple affairs and all his sidepieces benefited from the affair. One young lady was looking to gain something from this man and actively pursued an affair with him. Even though she got the memo he was married, even though she got the memo that he had other relationships with other woman and even though he kept his word on everything she plotted to get from him, she wanted more. She wanted to be the one and only, and when she couldn't get what she wanted, she accused him of sexual harassment and convinced the three other women to file a complaint against him. Adultery charges were brought against him and after the investigation, he was convicted and punished under Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

Its situations like this that can de-rail the #MeToo movement. The affair was consensual, but the outcome was horrendous for the man. Although, they were wrong for having the affair no person's power dynamic should be greater than the other in those situation-ships. An even if the affair was consensual, no person in a position of power has a right to assault, emotionally abuse or hinder a person's progress. But a bad date, bad affair or unsatisfactory sexual liaison does not make you part of the #MeToo movement. Your story should not be told because he didn't want you, or he didn't call or because he didn't leave his wife. #MeToo does not mean #YouToo, not in these cases.

We saw this with the accusation against Aziz Ansari, it was a bad date and bad sexual encounter. But did he stop her from getting a job? Held her hostage? From what I read, he just made her feel uncomfortable. In that case, get the hell out. That's not a #MeToo situation. And the way the media rained on her, she knows now.

Recently, the report came out about allegations against Halle Berry's former manager and Taraji P. Henson's current manager. Was it affairs gone wrong? - not a #MeToo situation. Were these women talentless and really wanted careers like Berry & Henson, willing to do or say anything for attention? - not a MeToo situation. Was this really a Weistein-esque situation? - A MeToo situation.

The last thing I am attempting to perpetuate is victim blaming or survivor-shaming because have seen both perspectives, the victim not being heard or the predator becoming the prey. Before shouting this happened to #MeToo, review your story before accusing someone of sexual assault or harassment because vindictiveness only hurts the movement and people with true stories will lose their voice. #YouTooisnotalwaysMeToo.

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